The Tinder Diaries: I'm Gonna Die Alone

Have you ever suddenly realized how incredibly picky you are?  I downloaded Tinder out of sheer curiosity, and found myself going "Named Steve/Stephen/Steven. Pass", "Does not use punctuation. Pass", "Poses with car/fish/dead deer. Pass".

I started this as a Facebook post, but realized that it would be a very long list of things I pass on in the Tinder app.  So, I came here to give you that list.  Enjoy!

I pass on all these things:

• Packers fans.  You're all obnoxious.
• People who tailgate at college sporting events.  Especially if you're out of college (which doesn't even apply here, because you're too young for me, bro) or didn't even go to that school.
• People my age or younger.  I just can't with twentysomethings.
• Redheads.  I know, I know. "But Lizzy, you're a redhead!"  I'm just not into gingers. I'm sure there are loads of dude who aren't into pink-skinned chubbos like myself.  Eye of the beholder, man.
• Neck tattoos.  Nothing says, "I'll never have a decent job" like shitty neck tattoos.
• Ill-fitting suits.  I mean, why the fuck would you purchase such an expensive outfit if you're not going to spend a little more to get the motherfucker tailored?
• Lack of facial hair.  I like Lumbersexuals.  MEN have beards. That is all.
• People with pictures of far-flung locales.  I don't give two shits about how "worldly" you think you are, because you've had the chance/means to travel.
• Gym or shirtless selfies.  No.  I'd rather have a fatty like me than a beefcake. You vain bitch.
• People who don't have bios. Or even worse, their bios say "I am who I am" or "Just ask me".  You clearly don't know how Tinder works.  We use the bios to find out if we like you just a little. 
• Dudes who don't contact me first.  Maybe this is a personal thing, but if you don't have the balls to make the first move, then move along.  That's your job, man.
• People named David. For obvious reasons.
• People who use letters and numbers to replace actual words.  Keep in mind here that my discovery preferences are set to people over the age of 29.  Not than ANYONE should be doing this, but especially people who didn't actually grow up using "txt speak".
• Misogynist red flags.  Obviously.
• Pick-up trucks.  #Compensating.
• Group photos.
• Wedding photos.  Of their own wedding.
• (Hopefully) Ex-girlfriend photos.
• Guns.  I fully support the Second Amendment and all, but you do not need an assault rifle for your dating profile picture.
•  Photos of dead deer/fish.  I'm especially indoorsy. Hunting for sport appalls me. Just no.

I'm fairly sure there are more reasons, but now there's "no one new around" me on this stupid app.  Why did I even download it?

I have realized what I have become, and I am going to die alone.