It's Official, You Guys...

I've decided to take this blog to the greener pasture that is Tumblr!  To be totally honest, I kept it here for so long, because of the monetization that Blogger offers.  But, in the last two or so years that this has been active, I've earned something like $15.  And I can't even cash that out. 

EVENTUALLY, I'll take Lizzy Eats Iowa over as well, but my posts there are less frequent.

You can visit me on Tumblr.  My username is ThatLizzyJ.

Tootles, Blogger.  It's been real.

Reaction Post: City View's Best of Des Moines - The Eats Edition

It takes a lot of campaigning to win, especially when it comes to mid-level independent news magazine polls.   Some of the winners don't deserve to win, or even be in that category.  So, when I heard that my beloved Tacopocalypse didn't win anything (but was a runner up), I knew that I must post my response to the rest of the winners and losers.

Now, obviously, I won't have complete familiarity with all of the categories, and unlike most voters, I'll be upfront about it.  I think that's the biggest problem.  A LOT of people just vote for what's popular, not having first hand experience with the subject at hand. 

Here we go!

The Tinder Diaries: I'm Gonna Die Alone

Have you ever suddenly realized how incredibly picky you are?  I downloaded Tinder out of sheer curiosity, and found myself going "Named Steve/Stephen/Steven. Pass", "Does not use punctuation. Pass", "Poses with car/fish/dead deer. Pass".

I started this as a Facebook post, but realized that it would be a very long list of things I pass on in the Tinder app.  So, I came here to give you that list.  Enjoy!

I pass on all these things:

• Packers fans.  You're all obnoxious.
• People who tailgate at college sporting events.  Especially if you're out of college (which doesn't even apply here, because you're too young for me, bro) or didn't even go to that school.
• People my age or younger.  I just can't with twentysomethings.
• Redheads.  I know, I know. "But Lizzy, you're a redhead!"  I'm just not into gingers. I'm sure there are loads of dude who aren't into pink-skinned chubbos like myself.  Eye of the beholder, man.
• Neck tattoos.  Nothing says, "I'll never have a decent job" like shitty neck tattoos.
• Ill-fitting suits.  I mean, why the fuck would you purchase such an expensive outfit if you're not going to spend a little more to get the motherfucker tailored?
• Lack of facial hair.  I like Lumbersexuals.  MEN have beards. That is all.
• People with pictures of far-flung locales.  I don't give two shits about how "worldly" you think you are, because you've had the chance/means to travel.
• Gym or shirtless selfies.  No.  I'd rather have a fatty like me than a beefcake. You vain bitch.
• People who don't have bios. Or even worse, their bios say "I am who I am" or "Just ask me".  You clearly don't know how Tinder works.  We use the bios to find out if we like you just a little. 
• Dudes who don't contact me first.  Maybe this is a personal thing, but if you don't have the balls to make the first move, then move along.  That's your job, man.
• People named David. For obvious reasons.
• People who use letters and numbers to replace actual words.  Keep in mind here that my discovery preferences are set to people over the age of 29.  Not than ANYONE should be doing this, but especially people who didn't actually grow up using "txt speak".
• Misogynist red flags.  Obviously.
• Pick-up trucks.  #Compensating.
• Group photos.
• Wedding photos.  Of their own wedding.
• (Hopefully) Ex-girlfriend photos.
• Guns.  I fully support the Second Amendment and all, but you do not need an assault rifle for your dating profile picture.
•  Photos of dead deer/fish.  I'm especially indoorsy. Hunting for sport appalls me. Just no.

I'm fairly sure there are more reasons, but now there's "no one new around" me on this stupid app.  Why did I even download it?

I have realized what I have become, and I am going to die alone.

Grudges and Crushes Do Nobody Any Good

I'm really slacking on this blog-writing thing, aren't I?   First, let me say that this one has been with me for all of five minutes, but I really had to get it out.  Even with almost slicing off my thumb earlier today (stitches, I'm fine.  Well, at least will be when Walgreens gets my damn 'scrip in.). 

Grudges and crushes.  We've all had them.  The guy who so epicly broke your heart that you wished only suffering on him forever (I'm not Dolly Parton and I DON'T wish you love.  I'm Davey Havok, and I hope you suffer.) to that super cute dude who sits across from you at work. 

Am I getting a little to specific here?  Feel free to fill in whatever you need to.  Not everyone has a #BroOfMyDreams so close and yet so, so far away.  I'm not your "type", I get it.  Never stop looking pretty.

Anyway, the point of this who post is letting things go.   Thanks, Buzzfeed! 




But not just grudges and crushes.  Disappointment, anger, terrible relationships, and basically all the other negative stuff that you make up in your mind when you're staring at your ceiling just before you fall asleep.  The adult version of the boogeyman in the closet.  I guess as we grow up those boogeymen die, and thus skeletons.

But since I'm already on a tangent about crushes, I'm going to spread that bitch thin.  Again, fill in whatever you need to.  Please, Mad Libs my post.  I don't mind.

Sixteen Candles said it best. "That's why they call them crushes. If they were easy, they'd call 'em something else."  It might be these kind of things that help you build character.  Aren't broken hearts (from real or imaginary suitors) supposed to do that? Give you thicker skin and a harder heart?  Still waiting for both of those.  Maybe I'll always be a heart-on-my-sleeve kind of girl.  If that doesn't make me your fucking "type", then move along.  But still, look pretty.

I think I'm just going in circles.  The ebb and flow of hope.  I want to let go, but these things are like a screaming child holding on to the door jamb when he doesn't want to go home quite yet.  I want to let go, something makes me want to stay in the cozy womb of the crush.  My mind says "fool, forget that shit", my heart says "don't let go-oh-oh-oh".

So, if they do no one any good (trust me, they do not do anyone any good.  Did you not read the title??), why do we have them?  Humans are weird.

If you read my blog on the reg (and you should,   I'm awesome), then you know that this was built for me to grow as a person and as a writer.  I don't have the answers to much.  So, if you know the foolproof way of getting rid of these pesky grudges and crushes, that'd be good.  

Or maybe they're too fun to lose.  Like being on top of that first rollercoaster hill.  Staring down to the bottom, just knowing you're going to plummet.  Meh.  I'd rather never thrill-seek again than not be your motherfucking "type".

SONG DUMP!

Just a random collection of songs I'm super into right meow.  Enjoy!


I love this song, and it's really out of the realm of songs that I consider even listenable.   Also, I feel like I'm watching a ModCloth ad.
I

The next person who calls AFI "emo" gets cut.  Also, the entirely of the album Burials, and a few other select AFI songs dominate my Top 20 right now.  #DaveyHavokismyLover


White Boy Soul.  English White Boy Soul.



Good LAWD, I love this song. 


Aaaand just because.  Reasons.  Oh, you don't like the Misfits?  You're dead to me.

Autumn is for Lovers

I'm not a Summer girl. Not even close.  Here in Iowa, the summer can be just unbearable.  Hot, humid days make me want to stay inside with my air conditioning.  Yes, it's beautiful outside.  Yes, the sun is shining.  But no, I don't like it.

Autumn, now that's my jam.  Bring on the cardigans and corduroy. Bring on the pumpkin spice everything and rich, hearty chili.  The changing leaves, the brisk crispness of the air.  I love it all. 

I can't wait to go to apple orchards and pumpkin patches. I can't wait for Beggar's Night, even though I'm an adult and I have to work.  I can't wait for Halloween parties and awesome costumes.

Fun Fact: Both Mogs were born in October, almost exactly one year apart. 

I'm already scouring online for cords and cardis. I'm already looking forward to taking the AC unit out of my window and sleeping with the windows open.  I'm definitely looking forward to not needing to mow my lawn!

I'm looking forward to Thanksgiving!  Definitely the best of all American holidays. 

I'm looking forward to regular season NFL games (Go Lions! Defend the Den!).

I can't wait for cider and hot cocoa.

Bring it on, Autumn.  I'm waiting for you!

Binge Watching and Crochet

Confession:  I've lived in my house since October or November of 2013, and I only recently got internet installed.  In July.

Before then, I was "borrowing" a neighbor's WiFi.  Frankly, if you don't put a password on it, you're asking people to use it.  I watched Dexter.  All of it, in a few weeks.  And I thought that was excessive.  Dexter has eight seasons, 96 total episodes.  At 50 minutes each, I spent 80 hours watching serial killing. 

Since having the internet installed, my binge watching has been... excessively excessive?  I've watched:

• Five seasons of Top Chef (not the first one, Katie Lee Joel is annoying.),  16 episodes per season, approximately 45 minutes each. 60 hours.
• All eight seasons of Weeds.  109 episodes at approximately 28 minutes each.  51 hours.
• All three seasons of Louie currently available on Netflix. 40 episodes at approximately 20 minutes each.  13 hours.
• All five seasons of Breaking Bad. 62 episodes at approximately 45 minutes each. 46 hours.
• Season three of Scandal. 18 episodes, 45 minutes each. 13 hours.
• Two episodes of Portlandia, season three.  45 minutes.
• Ten episodes of Say Yes to the Dress, season one.  20 minutes each, 3 hours.
• American Psycho. 1 hour, 41 minutes.
• Thelma and Louise. 2 hours, 9 minutes.
• Three TED Talks. 55 minutes
• The Mighty Ducks. 1 hour, 45 minutes.
• Four episodes of The X Files (my next binge watching target.  I feel like I was too young to appreciate it when it was on, and since Netflix has all seasons, I'm making the commitment now.) 45 minutes each, 3 hours.

That's about 197 hours of Netflix and Hulu Plus watched since July 15th.  Not even a full month.  There are 720 hours in a month.  Yeah, I have a problem.

To be fair, though, I do stuff while I'm watching TV.  Crochet a lot.  I'm working on a blanket for a soon-to-be born Miss Aria Jones.  I actually had to start over, but I'll have it done before she's born.  In about a week.  Hopefully.

I also do dishes, laundry, cook, read emails (and other internet based things), organize my crochet basket.  Mostly crochet.  But I do things that are moderately productive.  I do mini "workouts" while watching, too.  I write this blog!

But mostly, I have a problem.  If I read that much, I'd be finished with The Magicians and probably The Magician King.  I used to read that much.

So with a mog on either side of me on my new couch, I'm sitting here watching The X Files.  Join me?  No?  That's okay, too.

I can't wait for the Fall TV Season to start.  New Scandal!  And I can't wait to see what's in store for Huckleberry Quinn.  New Revenge! New Grey's Anatomy!

Oh, and there are a slew of movies coming to Netflix this month.  Yay! More bingeing.