Music Festivals Can Suck It

Every music festival, ever, can suck it.  Hard.

Seriously.  Please tell me what's so amazing about sitting through a million bands in the blazing ass sun.  That had better be a boss line up to get my pasty pink ass to willingly sit outside for a whole damned day.  Like all of the bands.  Not just an awesome headliner.



The festivals in Iowa leave so much to be desired.  80/35 is a fucking hippie fest with an ironically hired hardcore rap headliner.  Sorry, no one REALLY likes Wu Tang Clan THAT much. I don't even know who the other people are.  Like, not that they're not my style, I've literally never heard of you.  Ever.  When St. Vincent and David Byrne leaked that they were going to be there a month before the Official announcement, I thought they'd be supporting.  Not headlining.  I thought that since MGMT and fun. are going to be at Kanrocksas (dumbest fucking name, ever), they might be at 80/35.   LOL, no.  No, no, no.  Not at all.  When the "clues" video was released (which was unfunny as hell), I thought there was a nod to Robert Plant.  Nope, disappointment.

  Lazerfest should, at this point, be renamed Buttrock Fest. Or possibly Washedup Fest.  I am totally into the music that Lazer 103.3 plays.  Most of it, anyway.  Well, about 50/50.  But come on.  Most of those bands are here twice a year anyway, and are fucking awful.  Alice in Chains? No, Layne Staley is dead, and your new singer can't even match the soul he had.  Pass.  Papa Roach?  I can dig it.  For real, cut my life in to pizzas.  Love it.  Halestorm, I WANT TO LOVE YOU!  But your lyrics are moronic.  Yes, Lzzy, you're hot.  Next.  Bush? Meh.   There are a couple of harder bands, Killswitch Engage and Asking Alexandria (if you call that hard. What, Black Veil Brides was unavailable?), which I guess serve to ward off the middle aged moms from flashing their saggies.  Speaking of flashing, keep it classy, ladies.  Keep your shirts on.  At least until the fellas break out their wieners and start helicoptering it up.  #Equality.

 Gonna be honest, though, I really like Young Guns.  Their song "Bones" has been in my brain for a couple of days.  Can't hate 'em.  Surely, they'll be back to open some show at Val Air soon. Perhaps with Chevelle.  If you don't know how I feel about Pete of Chevelle, check out this post.  I'd rather see them at Val Air, anyway.  Love that hot, sweaty club feel.  Nothing like having fellow concert goers sweating on you in a Marilyn Manson show.  Real Talk. 

I also refuse to travel to concerts, festival or otherwise.  My money tells bands (or their handlers, rather) that I'm willing to see them live.  If I spend that money outside of Iowa, then I'm telling them to never come here.  That's my logic.  It's the concert version of "buy local".  There are few bands I'd be willing to travel to see.  I would consider going to Bonnaroo, but only if I could afford one of those awesome superstar campers they rent for, like, a million dollars.  So, that'll never happen.  Whenever concert calendars are released, I scan for any city in Iowa.  If none, I've lost all interest. 

I'm also going to throw a little shade on the Iowa State Fair, here.  The Grandstand can only be enjoyed by children and the elderly.  The free stages are full of washed up, but still enjoyable acts.  But these free shows are always swamped.  Not enough planning for the crowd, which is packed under the August Iowa sun.  Do the math on that one.  The Fair itself is only enjoyable if you're young enough to enjoy the Ring of Fire or old enough to enjoy the quilting displays.  I'm in the middle.  The only fun thing I can do there is drink.  But drinking $6.00 beers in 100 degree weather only sounds like puking my guts out, but having to wait in a 20 minute line to use the bathroom.  No, thank you.  I'm good.  I'll just drink in the comfort of a bar that I don't have to pay to get into, and then overpay for drinks. 

End rant.