FUCK YOU, ROBIN THICKE

RANT ALERT.

Robin Thicke can suck my enormous cock. 

It's Been a Long Time, My Dears

I started to write a blog post, but then realized it was super depressing.  I started this blog to entertain you guys, not bring you down with what's become my ridiculously depressing life.  So, since I don't want to be responsible for a rash of suicides, I deleted it.

Instead, I wanted to thank all of you for reading my blog.  I deeply apologize that I haven't been present to give you the giggles for some time.  I'm dealing with shit.  I promise, though, that I will have all the goofiness back soon. 

I can't believe that I have almost 2200 blog views as of right meow.  I'm incredibly grateful that each of you take even more time out of your own lives to read my silly musings. 

So, here is video that I hope you like.  And here's to many more (funny) blog posts! And remember that I LOVE comments!!

Income Restricted Properties Can Suck My Dick

The title says it all. 

There are FAR too many apartments who "participate in an affordable housing program" which restricts the income of the residents. 

Put on Your Lady Pants

I've had a rough year.

HEY!

I haven't posted in a while...

So, I Went to 80/35...

I won 80/35 festival tickets from Capital 106.3 radio station's online listener rewards program.  I figured that there was no way I was going to win, so why not? 

Fangirling

There are a few things in my life that I will totes fangirl over, and I don't care who knows it.  Frankly, if you're not passionate about things, then what are you?  You're pretty goddamn boring, that's what.

Now, I'm not the kind of person who owns bed sheets or toothbrushes bearing the name or logo of my favorite things, but you bet your sweet, luscious ass that I'm pumped that they exist.

Without further ado, the things I fangirl over:

The Problem with Movie Critics

It's late, I do apologize if this gets a wee ranty, but I simply MUST get this off my chest.

Beauty

I am beautiful.

It wasn't very long ago when I couldn't say that with a straight face.  I, for the longest time, bought into the commercial, Abercrombie and Fitch attitude of the idea of it.  A slender frame fitting into skin tight jeans, perfectly tanned skin, perky little noses.  The concept of beauty has become so warped that when we look in the mirror, we don't see ourselves anymore.  We see a corporate-pimped vain idea.

The Things I'm Currently Reading

  I consider reading to be a hobby and part of my job as a(n aspiring) writer.  I thoroughly enjoy it.  I wanted to share a list of things that I'm reading currently or read on a regular basis.

Dear Marilyn Manson

I will occasionally write open letters to the world, and this one is to my beloved Marilyn Manson.

I have literally grown up listening to your music, Mr. Manson.  And I thank you from the depths of my little girl lost soul for each word that got me through something that I could never have dealt with on my own.  You truly have saved my life several times over.  You're a poet and a artist unlike any other.  However, a few things have happened over the last few years that I'd like to discuss.

Confession: I song obsess.

I song obsess.  Meaning that when I really like a song, I REALLY like that song.  I listen to it several times a day until I'm completely sick of it.  Then I'll discover it later, and love it all over again.

NomNomNomDSM

I recently started a new blog, NomNomNomDSM.  So far, nothing is written yet.  My intention is to explore as much of my city as I can in terms of food.  There will be pictures and reviews, and it will be linked with UrbanSpoon.com. 

Things You Say that Make Me Uninterested in Speaking with You

I posted a status to my Facebook that touched on the subject, but I really wanted to expand on that.

Music Festivals Can Suck It

Every music festival, ever, can suck it.  Hard.

Seriously.  Please tell me what's so amazing about sitting through a million bands in the blazing ass sun.  That had better be a boss line up to get my pasty pink ass to willingly sit outside for a whole damned day.  Like all of the bands.  Not just an awesome headliner.

My Favorite Pet

This is another Random Topic.

Obviously, my favorite pet is a dog.  As I've written in a previous post No, You May Not Pet My Dog, I have two.  Well, I have Mogs, actually.  I have always had a dog, and I can't imagine my house not having one.  Dogs are the members of your family who are always super pumped to see you.  Why would you not want that?  Unless you're allergic (get meds, ya pansy) or heartless, you want a dog.

No, You May Not Pet My Dog

This really should go without saying, but there is no inherently "vicious" dog.  There are dogs who have suffered a terrible life, there are dogs who have been backed into a corner, there are dogs who are afraid or anxious, but there are no "vicious" dogs.

I am not the first person to say this, but any animal in certain circumstances will bite.  Or scratch. Or fucking maul your ass. 

Things that Make You an Asshole

There are many ways a person can be an asshole. Here are just a few.

Random Topic: Marriage

Note: The original topic was only Prop8, but I totally go off on a tangent about marriage in general.

Fuck. Prop 8.

Seriously.  Fuck it.

How to Be Awkward

I was an only child until I was 9.  That's the excuse I'd like to use.  I'm incredibly awkward.  Just painfully, ridiculously socially awkward. 

Dear Downtown Des Moines: Let’s Move in Together, part two.

There are many, many things that irk the shit out of me about Downtown Des Moines.  I have two other posts on the topic already.  This one will only be about Income Restricted Apartments.  I’ve touched on this a little before, but I don’t think my annoyance was shown enough.

  There are more income restricted apartments than market rate.  Which is fucking insanity.  Way to pick and choose who gets to live in your apartments, guys.  That has to be some kind of discrimination, right?  Not allowing people who make too much money to live in your building seems counter-intuitive.    

Gwyneth Paltrow is a Cunt

I just really need to get this off my chest.  I know there are probably a million articles on the interwebs that are anti-GP, but I feel like I must come out of the Goop-hating closet.

I have never wanted to punch someone square in the face so much.  Excluding, you know, Hitler and all of these dickheads. 

Seriously, who just goes on a trip across Italy with Mario Batali, and films it for PBS?  Who writes a book called "It's All Good" that includes recipes that average $300 per day, if you follow her low-carb, gluten free, meat and dairy free diet?

You Refilled the Salt Shaker, and Other Tiny Declarations of Love

As you've probably already figured out, this blog is random.  Life is random, so this will be, too.

I made orecchiette with roasted chickpeas and asparagus tossed with anchovies, dill, and lemon for lunch today.  Normally the anchovies and the Parmesan give it the perfect salty bite, but it needed more today.   I noticed that the Boyfriend filled the shaker.  I'd been too lazy to do this for more than a week, taking it out of the big container in the cupboard instead.  But he filled it.  And it made me lighter-than-air happy.  Big smiley happy.   Because it's something that I normally do, and he did it.

Dear Downtown Des Moines: Let's Move in Together, Maybe

This is the second of what I'm sure will be a many part open letter to my beloved Des Moines.

I want to live downtown.  I want to be another denizen of the concrete jungle, with my little Mog sidekicks tap dancing down the sidewalks with me.  I would love to never have to shovel shitty snow again.  It would be awesome if my commute consisted of walking through the skywalk every morning.  If I could walk to the farmer's market.  Never take a cab home again after a night on Court.

I will never live downtown.  At least, not in Des Moines. 

Netflix Dreams

I often find myself staring at my Netflix queue, all the things I put in there, and have absolutely nothing to watch.  I should be reading, but I'm not.  I'm searching for the delicious milk from the Netflix teat, only to find that the supply is nearly dry. 

This is my pie-in-the-sky list of things I would absolutely love to find in my Netflix magic queue:

Dear Downtown Des Moines: A Lunchtime Tragedy.

Today, I decided that would walk down to the Kaleidoscope at the Hub, which for those who are uninitiated, is mall of sorts in downtown Des Moines. It’s falling apart, though. And its vacancy rate is nearing 90%. But there is a food court there. Maid Rite, Panda Express, sushi, Mexican. Typical mall food, really. I know this “mall” closes early. I checked the website before I walked my chubby ass 10 blocks on my 45 minute lunch at 4:15 PM. The website, which is also ‘under construction’, stated that the mall is open until 5 PM Monday through Friday.

Unforgettable Quotes

I'll admit this much:
I am a Quoter. 

I quote movies, songs, books, whatever.  I also quote insurance policies, but that's not what this post is about.  This post will be full of just a few of my favorites.

How to Name a Child

Dear World,

This is an open letter to all those parents-to-be and parents who still have time to change their child's name before they get used to being called Haven or Jaiidyn. 

What Would You Do with a Billion Dollars?

What would I do with a billion?   A ton of foolish shit, probably.

The Best Zoos in America

Three posts in one day?!  Yeah... it's late and I can't sleep.

I have a not so well kept secret.  I love zoos.  I really, really love zoos.   When I travel I must visit the zoo, even though that doesn't happen as much as I would like.  I have a coffee mug from almost every zoo I've ever been to.  Now, I don't think I'm the authority on the 'best' zoos in America.  Not at all.  That said, here are the five total that I visited in the last year:

The Music Artists that I Have a Crush On...

This is a super silly list.  It has no deep meaning. 

Enjoy


 1. Jeordie White aka Twiggy Ramirez. 

 Consider him the genius behind Marilyn Manson.  There would be no Dope Show.  The Beautiful People would have sucked.  And while away from the band, it was fucking awful.

 His stoic portrayal of Twiggy Ramirez blurred the lines between male and female.  His drug-fueled backstage antics and interviews were the stuff of legend.  Seriously, "Spaceghost"? "Whiskey and Speed"?  

Not to forget A Perfect Circle, Goon Moon, and his live performances with Nine Inch Nails, which, I believe to be their best.  I might be biased.

Also, he's fucking hot.  Even when he's wearing a dress and dry humping Marilyn Manson.

Is Everyone Spiritual?

Ah, I figured this would come up at some point.  So, let us get it out of the way, huh?

No, I do not think that everyone is spiritual.  I'm not, so obviously not everyone is.  I don't believe in a god, but I also don't recognize myself as 'Atheist', because I also shun organized religion in any form.  I am religionless.  I feel like if I absolutely must claim a religion or spirituality, I'd have to say Buddhism.  But I'm most definitely not a Buddhist.  Not even close.

My Attempt to Write Songs

I am the least musically talented person since Britney Spears opened her little Sweet Potato pie hole and spewed a shit-ton mediocrity all the fuck over America.  I can't play any instruments, and that's not for lack of trying.  My hands are too small to reach around the neck of a standard guitar.  Also, I have zero rhythm.  Regardless of my musical short comings, I have attempted to write songs.

Back to One

Okay. 

I've been absent from creativity for so long, that it feels like an atrophied muscle.  This is yoga for my writer's block.  You will see topics from Blog Tap Random Topic Generator.  It will serve as exercise for myself, and entertainment for you.  Enjoy, and good luck.