How to Be Awkward

I was an only child until I was 9.  That's the excuse I'd like to use.  I'm incredibly awkward.  Just painfully, ridiculously socially awkward. 


There should be a new word coined for me, really.  Awksome?  Awesward?

Whatever you call me, I'm one awkward bitch.  And here are your simple instructions on how to be equally as Awesward as I am!

• When anyone, especially a superior, asks you how you are, you respond with "Hi!" or "What's up!" This will totally confuse them. 
• Or better yet DEFLECT! :

  Me, seeing Manager getting on elevator:  Have a good night!

  Manager: Hi! How are you, Lizzy?

  Me: Have a good night!  *walk away slowly*  (this REALLY happened)
• Sign a card for someone you barely know with an inside joke that you're sure they don't remember.  This will be FUN!
• Don't remember any one's name, but pretend you do!  Hey, you'll find out eventually, right?
• At a funeral for a member of your SO's family, find someone that you've met once, and try to have a "moment". 
• When someone is checking you out, give them a dirty look. "What the fuck is that dude staring at? Take a picture, bro, it'll last longer."
• Be unapproachable!  Call it FUNapproachable!
• Give sage advise to slightly younger family members.
• Most of all, be WEIRD.  All caps and italic, style. 

Follow these simple steps, and you'll have people saying "WTF?" in no time at all!