Dear Downtown Des Moines: A Lunchtime Tragedy.

Today, I decided that would walk down to the Kaleidoscope at the Hub, which for those who are uninitiated, is mall of sorts in downtown Des Moines. It’s falling apart, though. And its vacancy rate is nearing 90%. But there is a food court there. Maid Rite, Panda Express, sushi, Mexican. Typical mall food, really. I know this “mall” closes early. I checked the website before I walked my chubby ass 10 blocks on my 45 minute lunch at 4:15 PM. The website, which is also ‘under construction’, stated that the mall is open until 5 PM Monday through Friday.




“Fuck yeah!” Thought I. I was definitely in the mood for some fried rice, maybe pizza by the slice, or cabbage salad from Palmer’s.


It took me 15 minutes to get there, through the skywalk. When I arrived, however, I learned that the Food Court DOES NOT close at 5 PM, but MUCH, MUCH earlier. ONLY Subway and Burger King were still open. BLECH.


Crickets.


HOW. FUCKING. DARE. THEY?


How fucking dare you, Downtown? Seriously. There has been so much talk about the “revitalization” of Downtown. It looks pretty and there are a ton of restricted income apartments, but really, where is it? As far as I can see, most of it is completely empty from 4:30 PM to 6 AM. How can you breathe new life into something, when there is no life to begin with?


My schedule (most of my esteemed colleagues’ as well) is unorthodox. I come to work at 11 AM, and my “lunch” is usually within 30 minutes of 3:45. My only options for lunch are Jimmy John’s, Fighting Burrito, Smokey D’s, Panera, and Subway. There are no real delis or bodegas, no close “fast casual”.


Within driving distance are Gusto, Noodles & Co, Chipotle, and the 4th and Court corridor. Ain’t nobody got no time fo’ that.


There are several “lunch” places open from 11 AM to 2 PM. Seriously, bro? Seriously. Even the café in my building closes super early, though the majority of the employees work well after 1:45 PM. TWO joints have come and gone. Flour had amazing pizza. Host was sustainable. They both blamed their closing on “not being able to exist in a Jimmy John’s world”. No, motherfucker. I can look past charging 6 bucks for a salad. I can’t leave work to come eat at your crappily timed restaurant


Gas Lamp has a kitchen that I’m absolutely dying to try, but is only open from 6 PM to 3 AM on Tuesday, Thursday, and Saturday.


And Food Carts! Where THE FUCK are the food carts? Imagine how lucrative that would be! Imagine if I could get a hot pretzel and mustard at anytime. Why don’t we have food carts? Des Moines City Council has put rules into place that ban food carts from 1:30 AM to5:00 AM, basically shutting down the after-bar food opportunities. Just think of how well a taco truck or hot dog cart would do on Friday and Saturday nights on Court Ave. Think of how awesome Papajohn’s Sculpture Park would be with a roaming pretzel guy.


This post isn’t just about food. It’s about the state of downtown Des Moines. This is about me. This is about being hungry not just for a slice around 4 PM on a Tuesday, but about waiting for Des Moines to grow up and out. Minneapolis is much cooler than Des Moines, and that sickens me to the very core of my core. Des Moines should be a destination of awesome. Right now, it’s fly-over.