How to Name a Child

Dear World,

This is an open letter to all those parents-to-be and parents who still have time to change their child's name before they get used to being called Haven or Jaiidyn. 



ENOUGH of this shit.  Seriously.  Think about your child as an adult.  Do you really think that a Ms. Haven Angelic is going to be the POTUS?  LOL, no.  She won't.  The most you've set out for her is Lead Stripper at Spearmint Rhino.   Also Nevaeh?  Please.  Heaven spelled backwards only means she'll make it up the Hookin' ladder faster. 

And Aiden is a lovely, good Irish name!  Jaiden, Caiden, Braeden, Ayden, Graiden, Saiden, Prayden are not words.  They aren't names.  Stop. This. Shit.

It's nice and well to choose a name that not every other kid in their 1st grade is going to have.  There are limits.  Orangejello and Lemonjello?  Omuniqque? La-a?  No.  Get your heads out of your asses.

In my day job, I come across the most interesting names.  Some very unique, but lovely names.  Rebel, Tequila, and Princess are not names.  Why don't you just call your child "Mistake" or "Broken Condom"?

Here are my rules for naming a child:

1. The name must be unique, but not Yooneekk.  If every nurse in your delivery room can't pronounce it, chuck it.
2. UNLESS it's a name that has deep meaning within your culture.  Siobhan is such a lovely name, and I'll bet you feel like a jackass for not knowing how to pronounce that. If you do, kudos. 
3. Honor your family, but get rid of those Juniors.  Give your kid their own identity.
4. However, the name should be cohesive with the rest of the family.  If you have children named Aaron, Alice, and Amy, why would you name the fourth sibling Zoe?   Either have a theme or don't.  Don't half ass it.  
   
   My opinion on all names staring with one letter?  I think it's cute.  Good luck coming up with names, though.  You'll wander into Duggar territory, AKA Jinger.
5. No cutesy names.  Cici and Gigi?  If you really want to call your daughter that, name her Cecilia (and sing her song to her!) or Georgia (also a song!).
6. No MANLY names.  Tank, Pilot, Sterling. No, no, and no.

I have zero plans for a child right now, but I do have some names picked.  I know that no one else will have chosen them, but they're normal-ish.

Are there any rules that I missed?