I am not this girl. I will never be this girl. Radeo Suicide is unconventionally gorgeous. I feel like in the kind of life that I want, she is ideal. We'll talk about the Suicide Girls later. This is about me.
This is about who I thought I'd be. A tattooed dream girl. I thought, as an angsty teenager, that I'd grow up and be some kind of an artist. Some kind of a girl who'd defy the norms and somehow earn the love and attention (because that's what's really important, right? No. It's not) that I deserve. That tattooed girl is who I am inside my chubby body. It's who I long to be.
So here I am, 28 years old and still holding on to the disgusting idea that I'm not worth the attention of any of my objects of desire because I can't be the person I want to be. Though, if I showed up anywhere with victory rolls and cherry lips, I'd feel like a fucking poser. Please never let me say the word "poser" again.
I admire those girls, because they had the courage to be themselves. If they are being themselves. They're seen as the cool girls. But really, do "cool girls" exist? I watch football and actually know what's going on, I read for fun, I can hold deep conversations about things other than celebrities and fashion. Doesn't that make me "cool" enough? I can pretend to be laid back, but I'm a control freak. Sorry. Not really.
If I had tattoos, if I had black hair, if I had Dita von Teese's pale skin, would I then be enough? That to me, is ideal. I want to be vampire skinned. But I'm pink. I'm piggy fucking pink, and there's not a damned thing I can do about it. I want to look amazing with jet black hair, but I don't.
What now? I'm hoping one day to accept that this body is who I am. Except for extensive surgery, I can never be like Radeo Suicide or Dita von Teese. That kills me. I can't be the girl you see in the front row of the indie rock show that all the boys-in-bands adore. The groupie you can't have.
This is really about letting go of ideals. This is really about me finding love in myself. It's hard. Really hard for me. I hope that I'm not the only one who feels like this. Like you'll never love me, because I'm not this girl. I am me. And really, that's all that I have to offer.
Hey.
ReplyDeleteI totally, 100%, absolfuckinglutely understand. Been there, done that, bought a stack of the damn t-shirts. For me, though, it wasn't the hot, dark, tatooed girls, it was the cute little perky ones with the perfect teensy bodies and skinny legs and straight hair. But, yeah. Here I am tall and big and nothing 'attractive'.
I despised myself for most of my life (still do, truth be told) and I wish I could tell you that, *poof!* the day you turn 30 it'll be kick ass awesome and everything will fall into place and you'll be oh so hot just the way you wanted. That, however, would be a bald faced lie and I'm not gonna lie to you.
The crazy thing is, people that matter, people who love us, don't see the pale piggy skin and lack of edgy hotness. We do, but they don't. They see bright and creative and warm and kind and all the things that make us good human beings. Maybe not 'hot' human beings, but GOOD ones. A person who helps others, who learns shit (and, hon, I know you KNOW your shit, whatever it might be), a person who thinks and cares and has an opinion. A person who stands up when others get knocked down.
A person, a bright, welcoming, incredible WOMAN.
Now that I'm 50 - holy shit, how'd that happen?!? - I'm finally starting to realize that it's not about being what we think everyone else wants, what we perceive as an ideal. It's about being fucking honest and doing what WE need to do. OUR purpose, not some bendo-box idealistic ersatz shit that really doesn't mean anything.
So, since I have about 22 years more experience of dealing with this shit, my advice is this:
Do whatever the fuck you want with YOUR hair.
Wear whatever clothes you fucking want to, and rock the shit out of them. Someone else doesn't want to see your thighs, that's their problem, not yours.
If you want a tatt, then get a goddamn tatt. Or piercing, or whatever. (but, please, keep it somewhat tasteful and not disgusting because older you might not be quite so edgy - plan ahead!!)
Buy yourself good quality items (whether it's a knife set or purse or notebook) from time to time because you are 100 goddamn percent worth it to spend the extra few bucks to get something that'll last ten times as long as the cheap crap.
Do something YOU love but challenges you every single day. New recipe, write a poem (or a novel - haha) take up sculpting, doesn't freaking matter, but if it feeds YOUR bliss, than it's the thing to do.
GIVE. Help people who have less. Drop change in the pony express cans. Buy a few extra groceries for the food bank, something, whenever you can because if we don't, the greedy bastards win. And, it'll make your day a little brighter.
Surround yourself with people who make you laugh, make you think, and make you happy. If someone drags you down, limit their influence. Negativity is contagious and since you have 'shit to do' you ain't got time for it.
Lastly, know that if you EVER need to talk, vent, cry, whatever, I'm delighted to listen. You're worth it. All of it. Always. No matter what the shit in your head might say. It's a liar and a cheat and it's trying to rob you of your power. And, hon, you have a fucking shit ton of power. I know where you came from, yet you can go anywhere you goddamn want. As soon as you see that, amazing things will happen.
So grab your life by the nuts and swing it around over your head like a giant stone-sling. It's YOURS. And we love you. {{hugs}}
Thank you! <3 It really does mean a lot to me. Infinity.
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